Learning As We Go
Hey!
It has been WAY too long since I've wrote a post, I apologize! Life just gets in the way sometimes.
This summer has been so fun. We've been able to ride a lot, spend time with family and just enjoy each other.
We have gotten a goat! His name is Fenton and he has been pretty fun to have around the house. Cora, our border collie and Taylor's go-to cow dog is reallllllyyyy intent on making sure he is always where she can see him. Her herding instincts are just too strong and she loves to chase him around. We don't let it happen for long though. :)
So I just want to get real for a second here....
I've been a little 'cryptic' I guess you could say about some struggles that Taylor and I have faced lately and I think I'm ready to just put it all out on the table.
Taylor and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. I have been to the doctor and have had some testing done and check-ups and everything looks fine as of right now. We don't really have any answers at this point but we haven't been told we have 'infertility' issues quite yet either. But it's still something I battle with every single day.
I've had a lot of moments of feeling angry, depressed and confused. Angry at my body for not working properly. Depressed that I haven't been able to get pregnant and have that experience of carrying a child. And confused as to why God is doing this "to" me.
I say "to" me because in this whole experience so far I've learned that isn't the case and that he is doing this "for" me.
A lot of people I know are pregnant or having babies and it's been dang hard! I'm not going to lie.
BUT, at the same time, I am seriously so happy for them. It just is a very strange dynamic and strange emotions that happen when you're in this situation, because you instantly feel excited but then right after sadness hits you like a train.
Something I'd like people to know; I AM OK. I truly am fine and I have gotten to a place of acceptance.
I realize that for some people it takes longer to get pregnant. I realize Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I realize that I need to not "stress" about it, even though I am pretty sure at this point is almost impossible. I realize it will happen when it's supposed to.
But when you've been dreaming about being a mother since you were a kid, that not coming to fruition when you feel like you're ready is a major stab in the heart. I have been through some hard things in my life, but so far, no heartbreak compares to this one.
Taylor and I haven't gotten to the point of feeling like we are ready to take extra measures because we know that there is a good chance it will happen all on it's own in time. So as of right now we aren't proceeding with any further testing on either of us.
We are focusing on each other, our marriage, our careers and enjoying life as it sits right now.
Please don't feel bad for me and please don't tell me to quit stressing about it. ;)
I'm just being completely honest about that comment really peeving me because I just cannot at this point in time.
We are doing great and are having a blast just it being us, our three dogs, two horses and one goat at the moment. :)
Luckily we have a great support system and are working through this one day at a time and Learning As We Go.
Thank you for reading this and for letting me vent about our struggles. Luckily being married to a cowboy doesn't give me a lot of down time, so I keep my mind busy. :)
Have a fantastic week!
With love,
The Buckaroo's Wife
Abbie
Here are a couple pictures from this last weekend in Levan, UT at a Buckaroo Rodeo that Taylor and Josh entered into.